What’s the Difference Between Grieving and Mourning?

Quite simply, grieving is the internal process of mental and emotional turmoil you’re moving through after a loss, while mourning is the outward expression of that grief.

Grief is that complicated rollercoaster of an emotional ride that we go on when we experience a loss in life, whether the death of someone we know or even someone we didn’t. We can experience grief if we loved someone deeply, and also if we hated how they treated us and we loved them once in any kind of capacity.

Grief can also be experienced following a living loss–a loss of something more like an experience we live through. A living loss could be a divorce, the loss of a friendship, turmoil between family members, an early pregnancy loss, a difficult diagnosis that will change how you live your life or retirement (yes, there are complicated emotions here, too, even when we’ve worked our whole lives to get to retirement), or watching your child or loved one go through a loss and letting go of your dream for/with them. Living losses can appear in multitudes of ways, and the list is long.

We experience living losses nearly if not every day.

So, grief is that internal process we go through as we think of, remember, or interact with life and are reminded of what is no longer. Grief can also be a happy memory that comes out of nowhere and makes you laugh and filled with joy and is followed by guilt or fear for feeling joy in a moment during your grief.

It’s all okay.

Everything you’re feeling–the highs, lows, and everything in between- is normal. Finding ways to support yourself as you move through this grief is important. Talking with a friend or others who have felt a similar loss, grief coaching or therapy, getting out in nature and connecting with the natural rhythms of living (which includes dying), meditation, grief groups, journaling, creating, or experiencing art, volunteering (when/if you’re ready), following your dreams and letting this loss be a reason to embrace life fully and make every moment count. It can also look like needing a weekend of sitting on the couch bingeing Netflix and not showering.

This outward expression of your grief is mourning.

Mourning is being able to talk about your loss or not, process it or not, and let others know you’re still in it and need support. It can also signify that you’re in grief and not ready to talk about it.

Wearing some symbolism of your grief has historically been a way for us to recognize when someone is in mourning, and there were customs around how we approached those in mourning. But today, there is a lot of ambiguity around what we should do, so we tend not to do. We tend not to reach out to the friend who just lost his wife, baby, mother, or father for fear of saying the wrong thing.

My advice is that you do reach out. Don’t advise. Don’t try to tell them it will be okay, that it’s “for the best,” that “they’re better off now,” or that “time heals all wounds” or any other thing you’ve heard before in the wake of a loss. Consider what you’d want to hear.

Ask them how they are. Or tell them that you’re available to sit and talk–but let them talk. They don’t need your advice. They need your presence. If they want your opinion, they’ll ask. Offer specific things rather than an ambiguous offer of “Let me know if you need anything.”

Remember that they know what they need. If they decline your offer and you think you know what’s best for them and they should do what you’re inviting them to do, remember that they have already experienced the biggest loss of control there is, and let them decide what their next step is.

And if you’re in mourning, don’t be afraid to let people know. Let people know your boundaries; decline offers you’re not ready for. Wear a symbol of your grief and tell others what it means so they can use care with you and remember that time may have passed, but you’re not ready to jump back into regular life yet.

Let’s bring back symbolism that represents mourning so that those who are in their grief process are allowed the space to process, to be in it, and not rushed through. This grief and mourning process is not easy, but it's important.

If you’re struggling with grief emotions, I offer one-on-one grief coaching sessions, or you can get on the list to be notified of my next grief group here.