What Are the Stages of Grieving and How Does Human Design Help Us to Understand Our Grief Process Better?
So, what are the stages of grief?
Truthfully, there are none. And there are many.
This feels obtuse, right?
You’ve probably grown up hearing about the five stages of grief and the order that they should move in. The work of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross changed the way the medical field understood and related to death. What she wrote about in On Death and Dying however was not about the stages of grief from the perspective of the survivors but was based on what she witnessed was the progression of the emotional stages that someone who is terminal goes through. And even with that understanding, not everyone will go through all the stages. Someone dying may never reach acceptance and choose to fight the entire journey.
There are no right or wrong ways to die. There are also no right or wrong ways to grieve. Grief and dying are such personal journeys. I’m not sure why we all have the idea that we know what grief “should” look like, but it’s a lie.
It’s total bullshit.
We are our own authority.
Side note: Speaking of authority, I think one of the things I love most about Human Design is that it redirects the power back to us rather than away from us. It helps you get in touch with your best way of making decisions for yourself. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t take in information or the thoughts of others, but ultimately, it is about remembering that it’s your decision.
You are the only one living your life, babe.
Are you going to live it on your terms or someone else’s?
Please take everything you read from or learn from me (or anyone for that matter) and run it through your own internal filter. Does it feel right to you? Does it feel right for you?
So back to the stages of grief…
Grief will look and feel different for each of us. Some factors that contribute to how we relate to our grief are how connected we are to our own feelings; how connected we were to the person who died/who is dying, if we had a complicated relationship with them, the resources we have available to us–it’s pretty hard to sit in your grief feelings for long when you’re concerned with keeping a roof over your head. Was there trauma or abuse involved in their death? How do we relate to death for ourselves? What was the culture or family dynamic that you grew up in around death? Were you allowed to express your feelings growing up? Is it safe for you to express your feelings now? Do you live in a culture that supports therapy and coaching? Do you have a safe space to be in your emotions without feeling like you need to hurry up and find the gift/blessing/positive side of the loss you’ve experienced? And how much of how we relate to death and to our emotions is formed in our childhood?
One of the ways we can look at our relationship to emotions of grief is through the lens of Human Design.
If you have your chart, pull it up now. If not, go to geneticmatrix.com and run a free copy. Check and see if you’re inner Authority is Emotional or not.
If the Solar Plexus is colored in on your chart, you are emotionally defined. If it’s not colored in, you are emotionally undefined.
Defined Emotional Person
If you have an emotional authority, then you are someone who has your own emotional wave that you move through each day. You may feel things very deeply and feel like you can’t control how you feel at times. When you have emotional definition in your HD chart, you will have at least one of these waves that you move through daily. The three main types of waves operate like this:
Tribal Waves have a theme of need and define Channels 37-40, 19-49.
These tribal waves have a ratchet quality and ratchet up a notch at a time until they either reach clarity or explode, where the wave resets and then begins again. How quickly a person moves through this process is unique to them.
The Source Wave is Channel 59-6 and is relatively stable and can seem barely there unless in intimate interactions around whether to bond or not or where family is involved.
**In grief, this may feel like you’re doing okay and small things are kind of irritating you, building under the surface and then one last small thing sends you over the edge and you erupt in frustration, anger or irritation that may seem irrational or disproportionate to the circumstance in the moment.
Individual Waves have a theme of passion and define Channels 12-22 and 39-55.
These waves appear more stable, spend more time in the middle of the wave, and then have sudden spikes up or down. These spikes are more sudden and can feel more intense and unpredictable than the other waves. However, a person does not spend as much time in those highs or lows as in other waves.
**In grief this may feel like you’re doing okay one day and then the next or even later that day you feel like you’ve just plummeted into the abyss of sad or even dark emotions and you fear you may not come back out of it. You may even try to pinpoint what created this feeling. Don’t. You will have these intense lows, but it’s a part of your wave, not anything you’ve done. Of course if you don’t come out of it after a few days, do seek professional help. And remember, you are not your emotions. You simply feel emotions deeply.
Alternatively, you may wake up feeling really high in your wave and life things are really good, and then later you come back to baseline and wonder why you can’t always feel the highs. Remember, you are always moving through your wave and you will get to feel this intense high of your wave again too. It just needs time.
Collective Waves have a theme of desire and define Channels 36-35 and 41-30.
These waves have a slower build-up and then an abrupt crash before beginning to build again. Once this wave crashes, it spends some time in the low of the wave before building again.
These Collective waves are built on expectations that are often perceived rather than promised and can have a fair amount of fantasy in the channels. Practicing entering into something just for the experience rather than with expectations can be grounding for this wave type.
**In grief this may feel like you’re starting to climb out of the darkness/sadness and begin getting excited about life again and then something doesn’t go as you expect it should/would and you come crashing back down into the low again and feel like “what’s the point?, “why do I even bother?” This is an opportunity to step back and begin entering into things for the experience of it and detach from the outcome.
There are some days that no matter what you do, you’re going to feel the low of that wave, and that’s okay. We can look at this as teaching you to feel deeply, and experience the full spectrum of emotions and an opportunity to get in touch and process those feelings, if you choose.
You will also feel in response to the things that happen to or around you.
The biggest thing you need to understand about your emotions is that if you try to avoid how you’re feeling, you’ll likely end up staying stuck in that emotional frequency longer. The easiest way around is through. Let them flow like the waves of the ocean. If you’ve ever stood in the ocean and tried to hold back the waves or fight against them, you know that it’s exhausting and impossible. Learn to let them flow and find the path of least resistance.
Allow your emotions to be there, and listen to what they’re telling you. Do you need to spend some time alone? Do you need to be surrounded by people? Do you need to move this energy through dance? Art? Poetry? Writing? Etc. Do you need to move your body physically?
Undefined Emotional Person
If you do not have an emotional definition (this emotional center is not colored in on your HD chart), then it means you are an emotional empath. You feel in response to internal or external stimuli. It also means that you take in the emotional energy of the people around you and amplify it, and if you’re not aware of this, it feels really big and uncomfortable, and you may send it back out into the environment around you, intensifying the emotional atmosphere.
You may feel like when you’re around certain people, you’re much more emotionally reactive or affected. When you’re on your own, you can process emotional responses to stimuli in your own way. However, adding other people to your process can make it feel wild and erratic.
If grief, you must find ways to protect your energy by understanding this dynamic. If some people’s emotional response overwhelms you, it’s okay to take a break from them. If you can’t take a break from them, it’s okay to set some boundaries around topics of discussion or to take frequent breaks from them to center/reground yourself.
Other things that can help ground you as an emotional empath:
Carrying crystals with you that help ground you, such as black obsidian or black tourmaline, smokey quartz, hematite, moss agate, onyx, tiger’s eye, or bloodstone.
Create an altar where you spend time each day grounding and connecting. This can be an altar to your ancestors, your person who has died, the future, or whatever you want it to be.
Spend some time meditating – this can be more traditional or active meditation, such as forest bathing, walking unplugged, running, etc.
Earthing–putting your bare feet on the earth.
Writing or journaling to process your thoughts and emotions.
Exercise or movement to physically move the emotional energy.
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