Deathcare Planning - Why Should We Participate in It?

Death is not something most of us look forward to. And yet, we will all end up there one day.  It’s a natural cycle –what begins eventually ends, or at least changes.

We often feel so out of control about this thing called death that will happen to us that we want to avoid talking about “it” for fear that by mentioning it by name, we may call it upon us.

It is not true.

Talking about your eventual death will not bring it upon you any faster.

But not talking about it may prevent you from fully living. It may keep you playing it safe, not taking chances or risks, or keeping the fancy dishes for company, the adventures for retirement, or the time for yourself–for later.

Living fully means accepting the eventual death of each of us. Realizing that time is finite on this physical plane.

How we plan for our eventual demise is up to us. It is within our control (barring sudden tragic deaths, which is not the majority). Most of us will have time to adjust to the idea that we are preparing to meet our end.  

We get to decide what we want for our end days regarding medical interventions, who we want to be surrounded by, and what we want after our deaths.

Rather than leave those decisions up to family and friends to figure out how to care for you and then to best honor and celebrate you, why not plan what you’d like to happen now? Who better to plan your funeral than you?

Currently, I want my friends and family to have a celebration after my death. I want them to celebrate all the quirky weirdness that was me. I want them to go roller skating on the first anniversary of my death, play all my favorite songs, and laugh and tell stories of how our lives touched one another. I hope my life has touched others positively, leaving a ripple that carries good into the world, but I also acknowledge that my actions have sometimes created pain for others. I don’t want others to dwell on that, but I don’t want them to dehumanize me either. We are complex humans with emotions, traumas, and reactivity, and we don’t always get things right the first time, or sometimes not even the tenth or twentieth.  

I worry that when we focus only on the good that someone was, we put them on a pedestal that can either feel inauthentic and create a strange emotional vibration for many who feel the truth they experienced in the relationship they had is being gaslit or that we’re fueling the idea that we must not speak ill of the dead, and we erase the lessons we’ve learned from them. I’m big on honesty. It’s not always easy. Definitely not always easy. To hear. To speak. To acknowledge. But it’s real. And it's based on perception. No two people will experience their relationship with a person in the exact same way. All truths are valid.

And my feelings on this may change. I may want a totally different celebration of my life or none at all. The longer we live, the more we evolve, and our ideas change, and that’s okay. We get to evolve our deathcare ideals with our life ideals. The sooner we start talking about it, the easier it is to adapt and change and let the people we care about know what our wishes are, and it can become a normal conversation rather than one we shy away from until we’re forced to deal with it. If we wait until it’s upon us, we may not be in our best frame of mind to have given this enough thought and consideration to know what we want.

What do you want for your death?

Have you considered what interventions you want to be taken on your behalf should you not be able to speak or advocate for yourself?  Have you shared those wishes? Are they in a formal document somewhere that gives a designated person authority to carry out those wishes? Do you really understand what those choices mean? At what point does the quality of life matter more than the quantity of life? What does it mean to you? 

Have you considered how you want to be celebrated after your death? Or do you not wish to have a celebration? Not everyone likes being the center of attention, even in death.

Have you considered how much less grief your loved ones will feel knowing that they can carry out and honor your wishes rather than try to figure out what you’d have wanted amidst their grief?

How Does Human Design Fit into End-of-Life Care?

Human Design can be a healing part of our life’s story unfolding and showing us grace, allowing us to be fully present with ourselves without judgment. Isn’t that what most of us wish for? Can we be our authentic selves without worrying about what others will think or say while still allowing them to have their thoughts and experiences? Human Design allows us to sink deeper into the truth of who we are and follow our own course of action rather than blindly following others. It gives us permission and a way to understand why it’s okay to do things our own way.

When you engage in end-of-life planning with me, it involves looking at your unique Human Design chart. This can help us understand where you are on your life’s path and the challenges you are facing and give understanding and grace to the pain you’ve felt at certain points in your lives. We can also look at (with permission) the charts of those you’ve struggled to understand your relationship with or who you’ve felt has provoked you throughout your relationship, no matter how hard you’ve tried to make or keep the peace.

Is there anyone you need to make peace with or forgive?

Are there any parts of yourself you need to heal your relationship with?

Are there parts of yourself that you’ve kept hidden because someone once criticized you?

Some of the areas we can explore together and help you plan are:

• Advanced Care Planning

  • Learning about the choices you may face if diagnosed with a terminal illness or when you’ve become advanced. However, this is an important step for everyone to be informed of, no matter their age. It is recommended that you review these documents every couple of years or if you have a major life change or illness to ensure that your wishes will be carried out in the event you’re unable to speak up for yourself.

• Write down your plans for the funeral and body arrangements you’d like upon your death.

  • Green Burial

  • Water Cremation

  • Natural Organic Reduction

  • Fire Cremation

  • Traditional Burial

  • Home Funeral

• For anyone choosing MAID (Medical Aid in Dying) who wants support in planning and organizing.

• Legacy projects

  • Brainstorming

  • Implementing

  • Connecting to resources

  • Organizing information

  • Writing your story

  • Slideshows

  • Videography of your life/family stories you want to leave for family or friends.

  • Audio recordings of your life/family stories you want to leave for family or friends.

• Anticipatory grief support/coaching

  • Are you caring for someone or anticipating the death of someone you know?

  • Have you lost someone you know through death or estrangement?

  • Do you know someone with a long degenerative disease process and anticipate the day they’ll no longer be here and what that will be like?

  • Are you moving through a transition such as an empty nest, sending your babies off to kindergarten for the first time (or last time)?

  • Are you retiring and not sure how to feel about this change? Perhaps feeling happy and sad all at the same time?

  • Have you had to quit your job due to health reasons?

  • Are you feeling the collective grief of the world and want/need someone to process it with?

  • Do you feel the grief of a marginalized community you identify with and need a safe space to talk about?

• End-of-Life Design and Support

  • Helping you create your own EOL plan or one for/with someone you’re caring for.

• Support for Caregivers supporting those at end-of-life.

  • Providing support for you as the caregiver and support for how to support your person at EOL simultaneously.

Are you curious about working together? Email or set up a free 15 min meeting to learn more.