When Does Grief End?

Grief is the internal process of emotions that we feel from death or loss in our lives. Mourning is the outward expression of that grief.

When we don’t get a chance to mourn, we tend to stay in an active grief state much longer.

There was a time when we allowed space to sit with our dead and honor them, say goodbye, see their bodies, touch them, and find some piece of closure for the relationship that we once had with them.

Today, not so much.

In today’s modern world, we have allowed our funeral industry (at least in the West) to keep death neat, tidy, and hidden away.  Like a temper tantrum in the grocery store, we want it handled and back to our regular program, and we don’t want to have to be the one to deal with it. It seems that the quicker it’s handled, the faster we can move on, away from our grief, but that isn’t always so. When we don’t slow down enough to feel our feelings, we tend to stay with them much longer as they simmer under the surface, creating irritability, bitterness, frustration, and anger that erupts at the most inopportune times.

It makes us feel to see death and dying, and we’ve become a society that doesn’t want to feel uncomfortable, always seeking the highs and the happy. We’re on a quest always to find more joy, create more, do more, and be more, but rarely do we intentionally slow down and sit with the uncomfortable. Perhaps if we were taught from a young age, it wouldn’t be so foreign to us, and we’d understand death and dying as a natural part of life. Rather than replacing a pet with another pet to avoid feeling the pain of loss, we’d create rituals and time to reflect on what that pet meant to us and allows ourselves to feel sad and miss them consciously and allow those feelings to sit with us as we move through life. Dying is something that we’re all built to do and destined to experience. None of us get out of it. So why do we avoid it so much? Wouldn’t we be more well-equipped for our own eventual death if we talked about what we wanted and how we could honor each other’s wishes when the time came?

Can you imagine if we were all truly allowed to decide what we wanted for our end of life and trust that those wishes would be fulfilled? How would these intentional actions act as a celebration of the life we lived, honoring our version of a good death and allowing our spirit to carry on within those we love easier and with more peace, knowing that we were allowed to have our wishes honored even if they are different than what others would choose for themselves?

I believe that we should have the chance to take the opportunity to say our goodbyes and put things in order before we leave this earthly body in a way that is meaningful and aligned with who we are.

The more comfortable we get with the idea of death being a part of life, the less the grieving experience has to be something that controls us. We already have a relationship with death and dying and what it means to us, and therefore does not have to rock us to our core with fear when we bear witness to the death of another. We can show up and be there for them in their dying days, allowing space for them to be where they are with their own dying process.

My hope is that the more we talk about dying, and what we want for the end of our own lives, the more we normalize this part of life and not only let go of a lot of the fear of dying but fully embrace the idea of living.

What if we let go of the expectations of family, religion, tradition, or anything else that dictates how we should die, grieve, mourn, and allow ourselves to have the experience that we each need?

Could we let our grieving be sad when they “should be” back to work? Or let our grieving find joy and happiness before it was “appropriate”?

Death teaches us that life on earth is finite and our time is limited. We want a connection to others, to feel a sense of purpose, and that our life meant something - that it was well lived. When we are faced with the death of a life partner, we may find love again quickly–some might judge and say too quickly or in an inappropriate place, such as with a caregiver who cared for our deceased loved one. Who are we to say that it’s wrong, too early, or inappropriate? They have just touched death, and they get to decide how they respond. Who are we to judge?

Sometimes we feel like this tree - the Kalaloch Tree of Life, that despite all the odds, the storms that pass through, year after year, it holds on. It perseveres. And it continues to grow.

But back to the topic at hand, when does grief end? Grief, I don’t think, ends so much as it becomes something that we adapt to and bend ourselves around, like a tree growing in the forest that gets blown down in a storm, and new growth sprouts from and begins growing anew in a new direction. We, too, can learn to bend rather than break and adapt to what is. Our roots may have been disturbed, but we can ground ourselves again and begin a new path forward.

No, it won’t look like it did before, but it can be beautiful. We don’t forget those we’ve lost but build a new relationship with their loss over time. One where we can appreciate who they were, how they contributed to our lives and us theirs, and how they shaped a part of who we are. Sometimes this is painful, and we may both feel relief and guilt that they are gone, thereby complicating the grief. It’s okay to feel what you feel.

We tend to try and exonerate the dead from ever being human. We want to only speak highly of them. What’s that phrase “don’t speak ill of the dead”? Why? They were human, were they not? They had qualities that likely weren’t perfect all the time, maybe even some that were downright horrible. Let’s acknowledge that too. I’m not here to gaslight you into feeling that things were all wonderful if they weren’t.

Your pain has a purpose. It may be to protect you from harm again or to bring attention to where you need to forgive. Remember that forgiveness is a gift for yourself. It frees you from the ties that keep you stuck. Forgiving doesn’t mean you condone or agree with the behavior; it simply means you choose to cut that energetic cord and reclaim your power.

How long you stay in active grief is up to you. The more you avoid it, the longer it tends to keep trying to get your attention. Turning toward and acknowledging your feelings allows you to shift your relationship to the grief. You may always feel some sadness when you think of your loss, but how can you also hold the love, joy, and gratitude as well? Alternatively, how can you hold space for your freedom when you choose to forgive and cut those energetic ties that are keeping you stuck?

If you’re struggling with grief, I offer one-on-one grief coaching sessions, or you can get on the list to be notified of my next grief group here.