What Are Living Losses?

Living Losses are losses that we all experience but don’t always consciously view as something to grieve as we would a death. These living losses can be things such as the loss of: 

• Relationships

• Identity

• Home

• Job or career

• Ability

• Health

• A goal or dream

• Freedom to feel secure, safe, and protected.

It can also include things such as:

• Separation of a loved one

• A child going off to college or moving out.

• Leaving single life for marriage or commitment

• Graduating college and leaving a timeline of your life in the past, even if you’re excited for what’s next.

• Being injured and taken out of the race toward a goal.

Living losses are not given the proper space in our society to be mourned, and the grief can carry on as we internalize the feelings we have that last beyond what is considered an “acceptable” timeframe to process what we’ve been through.

When I was a new mother, I was so overjoyed and also so overwhelmed. I wanted this baby so badly, and yet nothing I could have done would have prepared me for the changes I was about to go through. I knew that there would be sleepless nights, tantrums, colic, diaper explosions, and more, but I didn’t realize how drastically I would have to change to shift into this new identity.

So many of the things that made me, me were suddenly different. I cared less about what I wore, I took off my rings and jewelry to not harm her tender baby head while holding her. I was shifting into this “mom” person. I mistakenly thought I could just be me with a baby, but so much more shifts when you move into parenthood. Your priorities shift, and your desires, needs, and wants change. Things that were once super important no longer matter because this tiny, helpless person relies on you for everything.

I also grieved as I quit my job just after she turned a year old to stay home with her. I was overjoyed to be able to do so, but I didn’t realize how much of my identity was wrapped up in what I did for work. The purpose and satisfaction I felt from bringing home a regular paycheck were no longer there. Now I worked constantly and never got a paycheck. Well, not one I could pay any bills with.

I thought I knew what love was. But I had no idea. When my children were born, they filled a hole in my heart that I never even knew existed.

And yet.

I still grieved who I used to be. Not because what I had wasn’t great or good enough for me. But because I didn’t know that this transition would carry grief. I’d expected it to be all about joy and gratitude. I didn’t know how to process it. I felt guilty that I had sadness and emptiness amid all of this joy.

Rather than turn toward the grief I was feeling or expressing or processing it, I tried to deny it, hide it away, and pretend it didn’t exist. I doubled down on my commitment to motherhood and let so many parts of myself fade to the background.

I lost myself. I woke up one day and didn’t know who I was, what I liked, or what I wanted outside of my family life. Who was I as an individual?

I had to go on a couple more years before I finally hit bottom and began having panic attacks that woke me up to the changes I needed to make, and slowly over time, I realized that I never actually grieved the losses I felt.

Though it wasn’t just acknowledging the grief and processing it that helped me heal, it was a pivotal piece when I could say, “I miss me.” I miss who I used to be and don’t know who I am beyond mom and wife anymore.

This is just one example of a living loss. We experience them all the time to varying degrees, and yet we don’t see them as the same as deaths. My experience was a death of sorts. I died to be reborn as a mother and had to find a new way forward.

What are you grieving that you haven’t consciously acknowledged and asked for support? What do you need to process some of that grief?

Here are a few ideas:

1.     Talk about it with a friend or peer.

2.     Talk about it with someone who has been through something similar.

3.     Journal about it.

4.     Tap on it (Emotional Freedom Technique)

5.     See an energy worker who can help you release it.

6.     Work with a coach or therapist.

7.     Say it out loud to yourself.

8.     Tell a pet what you’re grieving.

9.     Join a grief group or community that can support you and give you space to process what you’re grieving.

If you’re struggling with grief emotions, I offer one-on-one grief coaching sessions, or you can get on the list to be notified of my next grief group here.